Necessary wisdom
Over the last century, various writers have suggested and
mapped a series of stages or passages through life and predictable life crises
experienced by most people in the Western world. Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung
were two early pioneers in this field, and since them, writers such as Erik
Erikson, Daniel Levinson, Roger Gould, Gail Sheehy, James Clawson, Nicholas
Weiler and Stephen Schooner have presented their own variations of these stages.
In most accounts, the writers suggest that stages typically
alternate from periods of turmoil and crisis to periods of relative calmness
and smooth sailing. Writers suggest that the way we handle these stages has a
significant impact on our identity and the way our life unfolds in the
following years. If we try to avoid facing the issues brought about by change
in our life, these same issues will come back to haunt us later, and we will
have to cope with an even more turbulent crisis period.
Erik Erikson wrote that most of these crises are essentially
identity crises where we seem to have a choice to make. On one hand, we can
choose to go along with, or give in to social and community pressures and
define ourselves in terms of our social group. On the other hand, we can choose
to follow where our “heart” would take us and thereby further define our own
uniqueness or differences. If we negotiate these choices honestly and
creatively, we will come through the other side as more mature, more fulfilled
or in other words, more whole people.
Daniel Levinson explains that once we emerge from a crisis
time, we usually experience a more stable time of renewed commitment and focus
as we express our newly refined identity in our daily lives.
Whilst there are suggested and typical age periods for these
stages, they differ significantly for different people, and random events such
as accidents, serious illnesses, the death of family members and financial
crashes can bring on an identity crisis earlier than the typical stages. In her
1995 book, “The New Passages”, Gail Sheehy also reminds us that previously
established periods for these stages are changing in the light of the increased
life expectancy of people. Sheehy wrote her first book on this topic called
“Passages” in the 1970s, and by 1995, she suggested that some of the typical
stages had changed by as much as ten years. Sheehy also argues that the “Birth
generation” of an individual has an impact on the way the typical stages play
themselves out in a person’s life. See the Information on “Birth Generations” above.
By being aware of the stages of life, we can better prepare
ourselves for the possible crises, and be ready to face the identity issues
head on. We can think of crisis periods as huge waves on the sea of life. We may
not be expert surfers, but we can usually “ride” big waves if they come one at
a time. The trouble comes when we get two or three big waves or crises at once.
That is when we are in danger of being “wiped out”. Having knowledge of our
life crises is like having a good knowledge of waves. If we can read the sea,
we can position ourselves to cope with the big waves, and prepare for the
occasional random groups of monsters.
The wisdom here is to not force these crises or bring them
on sooner than they might arrive naturally, but to be ready for them and
recognize them as crises of personal identity. At some stage in our lives, we
are going to experience doubts about who we are, where we are heading and the
meaning of our lives. Our best response is to be brutally honest with ourselves
and be prepared to own and accept our feelings of doubt and use every resource
we have available to make wise, considered decisions in response to them. For
some people, the “crises” are little more than ripples to be ridden with ease,
for others, they are towering waves - but
every wave or crisis can be negotiated if we keep our wits about us.
Here is a compilation of the typical life stages from some
of the writers on this topic over the last thirty or forty years. The years
overlap to allow for the ranges suggested by different writers.
Typical Stages Of Life
16 - 26: The Age of Independence (usually turbulent)
-
Commencing the process of defining a unique
identity and setting up our initial life structure and “dream”
-
Identity Issue: “Should I go along with the family values or do my own thing?”
-
Establishing independence from parents but still
influenced by parents’ values
-
Feeling a need to leave the family home but not
always sure how to do this - feeling
half in the family and half out - recent
generations are staying in the family home for financial reasons
-
Trying out relationships and making provisional
commitments - earlier generations
were more inclined to marry in this period, but recent generations are
postponing marriage
-
Completing the first stage of education and
taking on tentative work commitments - often
seeing early career choices as temporary stepping stones
23 - 31: The Age of Nagging “Shoulds” (settling down
stage)
-
Putting our first provisional identity into
practice - doing the things I think
I “should” do - going after the
“dream”
-
Identity Issue: “Should I do all the “right and proper” social things or do it my
way?” What really is “my way”? “What sort of person am I becoming?”
-
Realizing that parents’ values do not always
“work” for us - “I should think for
myself.”
-
Setting up our own living arrangements - “Maybe I should try to get a house?”
-
Setting up financial independence - “I should start saving.”
-
Thinking about committed relationships - “I should think about getting
married and raising a family or at lease making a firmer commitment to my
partner”
-
Looking for more responsibility in work
situations
28 - 35: The Age of Doubts (frequently turbulent)
-
Starting to doubt the outcome of the first
provisional identity - reassessing
the dreams of earlier times
-
Identity Issue: “I am not the person I thought I was back in my twenties - should I undo some of the decisions
I have made or just go along with things and hope this uneasiness goes away?”
-
A change from “What should I do?” to “What do I want to do?”
-
A time of doubting the validity of decisions
made in the previous stages - “Were
those commitments really mine? Am I living my story, or the story of my
parents?”
-
An awareness that time is running out or at least
moving on and that if changes are going to be made, they need to be made soon
-
This period is typically a time of changing work
commitments and changing relationships
32 - 42: The Age of New Identity (settling down stage)
-
Owning the new identity or re - owning the old and making
commitments in the light of this identity
- going after the new dream
-
Identity Issue: “What do I really want to do with my life from now on?” “How can
I best contribute to society?”
-
A firmer commitment to a career path and becoming
an expert or finding seniority and accomplishment in the field of work
-
Making deeper commitments in relationships
40 - 48: The Age of Big Questions (frequently turbulent
and particularly so if earlier crises have been mild)
-
A time of re
- questioning everything in the light of life being half over
-
Identity Issue: “Is the path I am on really the right one? Why haven’t my dreams
been achieved?”
-
Looking back on life and focusing on
accomplishments or a seeming lack of them
- can be a time of disillusionment
-
A realization of our own dark, shadow side and
the role we have played in the destruction of others and/or their dreams - realizing we are not innocent
-
A time of bringing to the surface the neglected
parts of ourselves (also part of our “shadow”) e.g. establishing a balance
between aggression and nurturing - we
may become more nurturing if most of our life has been spent in the corporate
world aggressively pursuing the interests of business
-
An awareness of some physical decline and this
can be traumatic for those who have been physically active in their youth
-
A time of facing our own mortality and our own
deaths
-
This period can be a time of drastic changes for
some, but this time is seen as maybe the last chance we will have to get things
“right”
44 - 50: The Age of the New Self (settling down stage)
-
A time of settling into the new –reconfirmed
“self” or identity
-
Identity Issue: “So this is who I am - I’d
better get used to it!”
-
Re - adjustment
of life commitments to satisfy the newly confirmed identity
-
A realization that some things need to be
restricted and other things be allowed to decline - accepting the new way of life
-
Regretting mistakes made in the past e.g.
mistakes made as a parent
49 - 55: The Age of Meaning Making (can be turbulent if
earlier crises have been mild)
-
A time of meaning making and re - visiting the big questions of life
-
Identity Issue: “What is the meaning of my life? Where do I locate meaning? What
legacy will I be leaving to the world?”
-
If issues of identity have not been resolved in
earlier stages, then they could erupt during this period
-
We are often at the peak of our maturity in this
period and can make our greatest contribution to the world
55 - 60: Post Meaning Making Transition (settling down
stage)
-
A time of putting into place the structures
decided during the “Age of Meaning Making” stage to prepare for late adulthood
-
Identity Issue: “How am I going to use the rest of my life to express my renewed
sense of meaning?”
-
Can be a time of rejuvenation as we wind up old
aspects of our life and set up the new ones
-
A time where we feel less driven and less
inclined to want to impress others - less
ego centred
-
Can be a time where we focus on what we can do
for younger people
60 - 65: Late Adult Transition (can be a painful stage if
identity hasn’t been established)
-
Adjusting to structures and decisions made
during the Post Meaning Making Transition period
-
Identity Issue: “Have I made the right decisions? Should I really move on or cling
to the status quo for a little bit longer?”
-
Can be a painful stage if identity issues have
not been resolved during earlier crisis times - career changes can be significant if not made earlier, and
relationships can suffer
-
Can be a time of cynicism, depression or of hope
depending upon previous decisions
-
Often a time of deep reflection
65 - 75: Post Late Adult Transition (settling down stage)
-
A time of re
- commitment to our new dream and quest
- putting in place the structures for the final stages of our lives - fine-tuning or completing the design
-
Identity Issue: “What do I still need to do? What wisdom do I have to share with
others on the way?”
-
Reflecting on the ultimate meaning of our life
and seeing our life in a wide context
Post 75: The Homecoming
-
A time where we prepare ourselves for death
-
Identity Issue: “Have I lived the good life? Has my life been worthwhile? Am I
ready for death?”
-
We reflect upon our lives and the contribution
we have made to the universe
-
Ideally, we find a sense of peace in realizing
we have done the best we could despite all the crises in our lives, and that
our lives have unfolded as they should
Creative responses
CREATIVE RESPONSE (SU): Study the predicted passages for
the current stage in your life journey, and determine any identity elements
that apply to your life at this point in time
*
Examine the predictions for the
passages around your current age and determine if any of the predictions apply
to you. For those that do, develop some identity elements that you can add to
your identity chart. E.g. if you identify with the “The Age of Nagging “Shoulds””
passage, possible identity elements could be “is developing his own values and
beliefs” or “is seeking more responsibility in work situations” etc.
*
Finally, copy your identity
elements to your identity chart. If using colours, use colour six. Remember to duplicate any identity
elements that already exist on your chart.
